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Sibling rivalry

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Sibling War

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When your sibling has a weakness, your job is to exploit it.

Photo: RF. White's research focused on data from a longitudinal study of a "socially diverse sample" of children from Cambridge aged 3, 6, 10 and So siblings might be playing together really nicely and then the next second, you know, World War Three has sort of erupted over something really small.

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The feelings of injustice, unfairness, and victimhood that accompany sibling jealousy become even more crippling to contend with later on. By following a few simple strategies, you can work with your kids to manage sibling rivalry and broker a peace treaty in your home today. One kid is the bully—usually the one who is older or stronger—and he picks on his other sibling constantly.

There are serious consequences for that behavior.

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In any kind of intervention with a child who is bullying his siblings, you have to challenge their thinking. But as a parent, you need to challenge those thinking errors directly and give that kind of behavior firm consequences.

In many cases of sibling rivalry, both kids are almost equally responsible for the behavior. One child may start to tease the other or call the other a name, which starts a volley of teasing and name-calling. Set up a rule in your house that if fighting among siblings occurs, everybody goes to bed a half-an-hour early. Hold both kids accountable—after all, it takes two to tango.

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Go to your room for ten minutes until we talk about it. Even if they run out of things to say, make them stay at that table for a half an hour. It becomes a great motivator for kids to avoid squabbling with each other. You two kids have to learn to walk away from each other. I always advise parents to have structured free time at night or after school. And if they fight, they lose some of that time.

If one of your children is envious of his sibling, I recommend that you try to downplay it. Ryan may have done well in soccer, but I watched you do your math homework and get it all done the other night, and I know it was hard.

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Remember to talk about how siblings are supposed to treat each other. Talk to your kids about what friendship means, and focus on having your kids help each other out. Ideally, a family is supposed to be a safe place where everyone is loved and everyone is equal.